Redo

It's been a very long time since I have written.  I have found myself busy and in a depressed state for a long time.

It has been hard to gather my feelings but tonight I was sitting on the couch and all the sudden tears came out of nowhere.  All these feelings I have bottled up inside for so long finally came pouring out and I thought, "It's time.  It's time to write."

So I find myself on my bed typing away.  This is more for me than anyone and who knows if I will even share it but I was inspired to write my feelings down by a fellow friend and blogger.

A little over a year ago, I found myself quitting my "Corporate America" job to stay home and be more of a mother and caretaker to my Hannah girl (and Emmy girl).  It was with tremendous faith that I did this, not knowing where the money would come from each month, not knowing how we would adjust.

I found Joe and myself living month to month, spiritually, financially, emotionally, etc.  I knew it was still the right thing and I found myself doing daycare to keep us afloat.  I love the kids I babysat for and am grateful that I was a able to have a small part in their lives.

Here is the catch.  Even with me being home, Hannah was not coping well with me watching children and I was not making enough money.  So I found myself, a year later, doing a re-do.  For those who are new to this "game" or blog, I wrote my first blog a little over a year ago announcing why I chose to be a stay-at-home mom. (http://managervsmom.blogspot.com/2013/01/conference-calls-vs-couponing.html)  I thought it would be fun to compare being at home versus my corporate life.  The further time passed, the more I forgot corporate life and focused simply on my faith and family.

Well guess what, I am now back to work....ha ha ha.  Joke is on all those who thought I could stay home.  Nah, actually I probably would keep doing it if it hadn't taken such a huge toll on our financial state and Hannah's emotional state.  So I pondered and prayed on what to do.  Then one day, Joe found himself throwing up and staying home from work and I found myself with a job opportunity that literally fell in my lap.

I started last week working as a Para-Professional or Life Coach for Special Education.  This has allowed me to bring in the income and only work while Hannah is at school.  I now know why this job fell in my lap.  First off, I want to say how incredibly rewarding this job is.  I get to work with some of God's most choice Spirits, every...single....day.

Second,  my eyes have been clearly opened to see my special daughter in a whole new light.  It has taught me to have patience with her and that her asking and obsessing over the weather every night and day is actually entertaining.  Her social awkwardness is who she is and you will not meet a more honest 8-year-old because of the lack of her "filter."  It has helped me cater to her differently when she has her panic attacks and her outbursts.  Boy, after all these enlightening revelations, I sure felt like a crappy, crappy mom from what I was doing before.  I think the Lord knew I could learn more patience with my daughter through working with these amazing individuals and for that I am so blessed.

I am so blessed to have the opportunity for this redo.  Hopefully this will allow me to bring in the finances we desperately need but more importantly, help me to be a better mom to BOTH of my daughters.

Tonight I felt my depressed state of the last several months lifted and I wept tears of joy of this new venture.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."- Vivian Greene

KID talk

So I have a problem.

When I was working outside the home, I was very involved with the adult world.  In fact, that's all I dealt with.  I maybe dealt with kids(including my own) 2 hours a day tops.  I always loved kids, it just wasn't part of my job.  In fact, I always wanted to be a teacher.  That was my dream.  Instead, I ended up in the corporate world, babysitting adults and metrics.

When I quit working, I dabbled a little here and a little there with what I wanted to do.  Then there became a need for me to start babysitting a child for a friend.  Then it became babysitting another kid for another friend.  Then it became babysitting two more children for another friend.  And then pretty soon, I had people chasing me down to babysit their children...which I was fine with because I needed the money.

So now my day consists of cartoons, learning our letters and animal sounds, doing a craft with Cheerios, breaking up arguments and singing songs...every day.  AND I love it!  But here is the problem...

There are women in the neighborhood who do get-togethers at the park and restaurants and what not.  It sounds fun and they invite everyone.  In my head, it sounds like fun but my stomach and anxiety say otherwise.  I feel like if I go and socialize I will squish up like a bug caught in a spider's web.

I guess I have come to the conclusion that I only speak "Kid" now.  I get anxiety thinking about interacting with adults.  What do I talk about?  It's not like I can sit there and sing "ABC's" and "Old McDonald" with them.  That would actually be kinda funny.  

Going to anything that has to do with mingling with other women scares me.  Is it because I am more comfortable with kids?  Heck yes it is.  They are fun!  You can make funny faces and laugh silly and dance.  And they say the darndest things!  One little girl told me she is scared of the rain because her mom will blow away.  Another one told me that I better get an apple tree and bucket so she can pick an apple for her mom.  The older ones I can be sarcastic with. 

I love these little ones.  

I guess talking with kids and making lions for the letter L is much more fun than giving a quarterly presentation on my metrics.  

And as far as interacting with adults...well...

"You will find more happiness growing down than up." -Author Unknown

Dear Mr. Ullman

This is a letter I wrote today...thought I would share.  Maybe if enough people see it, then my sister can go to school without suffering from heat exhaustion.

Dear Mr. Ullman,

                Now I know you are a newly appointed CEO.  I congrulate you for that.  I want to tell you a story.  My mom and I had a conversation yesterday.  She had just picked up my sister from high school for another half day.  This is her 8^th day in a row of half days.  You see, she attends JCPenney High School in Hamilton, MO.  You may or may not know this but JC Penney high school was named after the founder of your company.  He grew up in Hamilton, MO.  There is even a museum there for him.  This high school is famous for their sports in their small town.  The town rallies around their school, especially for football season.  But it is awfully hard for these kids to get the education they deserve when they have half days.  You know why they have had half days every single day since school started???  Because their school doesn’t have air conditioning!!!  It is so dang hot that they have to let the kids out before noon because it gets too hot in the school.  My sister said she has migraines from the heat.  Today the classroom tempurature reached 93 degrees.  They have the same problem at the end of the school year.  So why am I writing you?  Because this is the school named after your company--This school is your founder’s school!!!  These kids could possibly be working for you some day…and they can’t have a full day of education because it’s so blasted hot in YOUR company’s school.  Granted, I know they probably enjoy having half days except they don’t enjoy the time they are at school with the heat and can’t concentrate because their heads are pounding.

Now I know there was a ton of controversy around the ad you presented about kids being the “cool” kids at school by what they wear and it entices bullying.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/14/jcpenney-back-to-school-ad_n_3756517.html (I actually shop at JCPenney’s.  I bought my daughter’s clothes there last year and I currently buy my husband’s clothes there because you sell Big and Tall clothes at a decent price.  I appreciate you doing that!)  But here is the deal,  I think you can redeem yourselves here by actually making these kids “cool” at your school.  It’s not just the kids, but can you imagine being a teacher and teaching in the hot building?  I can’t even imagine...I keep my thermostat at 70!  Now I know they didn’t have air conditioning back when James Cash Penney was born in 1875, but we are in the 21^st century.  Technology is expanding every day and having a background working with Apple, you should know this.  If you want these kids to be the next generation, they the need a FULL day of education EVERY DAY…not just when it’s cool enough for them to attend.

I really look forward to hearing that you had taken a great intiative as new CEO, and taken this little school in Hamilton, MO under your wing and make it a “cool” school!

Sincerely,

Tina Sterzer, a concerned sister

"I will be back when I want it. Not when I need it."

There is this episode in M.A.S.H. where Hawkeye decides to give up drinking for one week after he receives his bar tab.  The first day he feels great.  A couple of days later, he is feeling grumpy.  On the fifth day, he is operating on a North Korean who starts to set a grenade off in the operating room.  Hawkeye catches it and with the help of Father Mulcahy, they are able to disarm the grenade.  It then shows a scene where the group is sitting at the bar and they order their drinks.  Hawkeye orders a drink.  Everyone is shocked and he says, "Hey, look, I need this drink."  Then he looks at the drink and sets it down.  He gets up from the bar and says, "I will be back when I want it.  Not when I need it."

On Thursday, I was folding some clothes and I just happened to turn on the TV to Katie Couric.  I was just catching the beginning of the last interview.  The show was about moms whose vices, or coping mechanisms of dealing with the day to day grind, turn into addictions.  I guess in the two previous interviews, she had talked with women who had used alcohol and prescription meds to cope.  The last interview I found very interesting.

This lady was addicted to Facebook.  From the time she woke up in the morning till about 3 am the next morning, she was on Facebook.  She had over 5000 friends...and most were people she had never even met.  She would read their posts, create her own, obsess over who commented and liked her posts and do it all over again.  She would ignore her family.  She said she may have been there physically but she was not there mentally.  She also said that is how she communicated with people.  Her family became this virtual world of people who she did not know in person.  This particular interview resonated with me.

Friday morning, I had a conversation with my husband about his friend's wife.  He said she was always on Facebook or reading and never got anything done around the house.  He was working and had to come home and clean and do laundry and cook, all while she was on Facebook.

I then found myself justifying me getting on Facebook to my husband.  "Well, I only check a couple of times a day for this, and this and this..."  Then somehow, me playing my games on my phone was brought up.  I had never thought about it in that way.  I do play games on my phone.  Especially at night, when I am not watching kids anymore.  I use it as my way to "unwind" from the day.  It leaves my husband and I both in bed, on our phones.  He reads "Tom's Hardware" and I play games.  Then I turn on M.A.S.H. and we fall asleep.  This is usually our nightly routine.

All day on Friday, it started to bother me.  Am I spending too much time on Facebook and my games?  What would I be doing otherwise?  Maybe I would read more scripture, lose weight, meet more friends in person, etc.

So on Friday night, I told me husband I was giving up Facebook, games and texting for 48 hours.  (I thought too much communication happened on Facebook for me to go longer than that.)  He was shocked.  He asked me why.  I told him because I wanted to....and I needed to.  I needed to see how addicted I was. 

So Friday night at midnight (yes, I was up) I turned it off and signed out.  Saturday morning I woke and thought, This is going to be easy.  I got ready and went grocery shopping, without bringing my phone.  Then around 3 o'clock, I start convulsing....ok, not really, but I did start to get anxiety.  I wanted to check Facebook soooo bad!  I wanted to play my games.  I told myself to snap out of it and I moved on with my day.  I cooked dinner with my family and that night, in bed, I talked with my husband instead of playing on my phone.

Now Sunday became interesting.  I woke up and immediately went to check my phone.  Then I realized I was still on sabbatical from Facebook.  I was doing somewhat okay until they made the announcement in Church that there was to be no more auxiliary Facebook groups.  That we should model after the Church in this regard.

Ummmm, I thought, was it premonition that I give up Facebook?  I mean some of the whole reason I was on Facebook was to check the women's group to see who needed help, who the new person was in town, when activities were...etc, etc, etc. 

I got home from church to find my phone buzzing with Facebook friend requests from people that I didn't know.  So I received permission to get on Facebook from my husband and jumped on.  I checked the women's group and found many interesting comments about the whole situation and found that many women had decided to start Facebook friend  requesting everyone in the group because of the "close" bond the group shared.  

I mulled it over and over how I felt about this.  I thought about all the times I had used that group.  Heck, that group helped me feel comfortable going back to church again after I quit my job.  I felt like I knew them because of that group.  It broke my heart.  Then my whole outlook on this "No Facebook"  journey began to shift into something more.

Today, I woke up knowing that I could check Facebook.  I realized I really didn't want to.  Then something interesting happened... my house got really, really clean.  Sure I cleaned my house before, but not like this.  Then you know what else happened... my husband and I had a really good talk.  One that I had been avoiding...  My anxiety of having my "blanket" with me all the time was now gone.  It was almost relief.  

I think Facebook can be a wonderful tool.  It has reunited me with some wonderful people in my life.  It helps me update my family on my life, all at once.  I get spiritual messages from it.  Really good recipes.  But you know what it became...it became a blanket for covering up real communication...and I never had really thought about it that way before.  

When was the last time I walked over to a friend's house to say "Hi?"  I don't remember because I have on Facebook.   When was the last time I sent pictures in the mail to my loved ones?  I don't because I post them on Facebook.  When was the last time I introduced myself in person to a neighbor?  Before I had Facebook...

Our behavior as society has totally changed from "the good 'ol days."  Everyone HAS a Facebook account.  That's how we communicate....will it change? No.  But I can change me.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I don't want Facebook to be a distraction from who I really am.  I don't want my games to be a distraction.  There are a lot more things in my life that I need.  It's been nice to have these "distractions" in my life but my life is going to continue on for awhile without it... at least as often.  So if you want the joys of being my friend, which I think I make a dang good one, let's do it outside of the virtual world. 

The ironic thing is when I am done writing this, I am going to post it on Facebook.  How else are ya'll going to read it?

A Place called Home

The other day I was talking to a friend who is looking to sell her house.  She was telling me that the realtor had an interior designer come in and tell her everything in her home that was wrong and what she needed to change.  She felt not only overwhelmed with what the designer had said she needed to do, but sadden that the designer told her to either redo or take down a lot of the decorations in her home that she had personally made.

Today I was looking around my house as I was cleaning.  I thought I would be screwed if I had an interior designer come into my home. 

When you walk into my home, on the wall I have a sign that says, "Bienvenidos. Mi casa es su casa." It means, "Welcome, my home is your home."  Ya, it's kinda ugly, but I love the message.  I purchased it when we went on a family cruise to Mexico.  On that same wall, I have four pieces of paper with stickers on them. These are my "Manners BINGO" charts for the children I tend.  This has helped teach them manners and to be kind.

You walk over to the entertainment center, which in itself is a design disaster.  I have a clay hand print with a heart painted on it and next to that I have a long, wooden block that has "I love you MOM" written in pen.  My little, artsy Hannah-girl made these for me.  Down from that, I have a wooden block that has a small town carved in it.  I bought this off a little boy who was selling them in Mexico, on that same cruise vacation.  Next thing I know, I had a bunch of little kids surrounding me.  I was holding a piece of lemon pie at the time and I gave it to them.  They stood around it fighting over a bite of it as I walked away, giggling.  Under that shelf, I have a boy and girl porcelain doll that are kissing.  My great-grandma gave this to me because it reminded her of my husband and me.  The boy has dark hair and the girl has blond hair with curls in it.  It was always on my Grandma's mantle growing up and now when I look at it, I think of her.

If you walk over to the stairs in my home, I have 4 screws underneath an opening in the wall.  The screws are where we hang our stockings every year at Christmas time.  On the other side of that wall, I have two screw eye-lits which are still there from when we had to put the baby gate up when Emilee began walking three years ago.  At the bottom of the stairs, are two bleach stains.  Those are from when my sister was living with us and was cleaning out her hamster cage.  By the way, she snuck that stupid hamster into the house when we told her "No Pets!"

If you turn to the kitchen,  my fridge is overloaded with artwork and wedding invitations.  Next to my sink, are some really ugly, ceramic frogs that have chipped away over the years.  They were also my great-grandma's who gave them to me because she knew I loved frogs.

In the corner by the couches, is a three drawer artbox and toys for my children and those I take care of to have access to at anytime, so they can express their creativity.

If you look on my back doors, I have hard water stains because this summer we bought a trampoline and set up the sprinklers to spray on the tramp....well it also hit the doors.

As I looked around, a smile came across my face.

Screw the interior designers!  Ya, my house is no Pier1, but every decoration, item and stain in my house is there for a reason, good or maybe not-so-good.  But it is what makes my house my home.

My house is well-loved but it is what my family calls their home.  

There are two signs that hang above my couch:

One says "Sterzer: Home is where the story begins."

The other,

"Home Sweet Home"

I guess I won't be moving anytime soon!!!

When a woman loves...

This morning I looked in the mirror.  I had dark circles under my eyes.  Mascara smeared in the corners.  Eczema has spread on my face from stress.  I looked sad...worn out.  The last couple of days written all over of my face.

I have spent the last couple of days up with my husband mourning the rapid decline of my Father in law.  I have had thoughts in my mind for a while and now is the the time for me to compose them.

My "Pops"  has taken a decline over the last couple of months and I have seen what it means for a woman to love a man.

They moved in April and his Alzheimer's did not do well with the move.  To make a long story short, he was put in a home temporarily to calm him down.  During that time, everything my Mother-in-law did was for him.  She worked tirelessly to get the home set up for him.  His chair, his office, locked cabinets.  Every action was for him.

We then realized he was not coming home.  Every thought then turned to making him comfortable, what he could eat, putting up pictures and decorating his new home.  Her love for him shined through every thought and deed.

Friday, when he decided it was time to get ready to leave this Earth, she was by his side.  I have had the pleasure of observing her nurturing actions over the last couple of months.

When a woman loves a man...she is kind.  She is patient.  She is tired yet endures to the end.  She mourns.

With all going on, my mom was going to surprise me for my birthday.  I called her crying on Friday.  Saturday she sacrificed a lot to make it here late Sunday night.  Even her blow dryer.

She came and helped in every way possible.  She let me laugh.  She let me cry.  She cooked me a special dinner.  She cleaned and did laundry.

When a woman loves a child...she nurtures. She protects.  She serves.

I have watched my sister-in-laws lay by his side.  They have worked to make him comfortable.  Massages on his hands, cold cloths on his head.  Kisses on his hands and forehead.  Tears.  Laughter.  Sacrifice to be by his side.

When a woman loves her parents...she is loyal.  She observes.  She ministers.

Through all of this, all of us have relied on prayers.  We have looked to the heavens for comfort.  My sister-in-law said a wonderful family prayer.  We know this is the plan our Father up Above has for each one of us. Even if it means giving up the ones we love while here on Earth.

When a woman loves the Lord, she obeys. She sacrifices.  She finds comfort through Him.

I have found comfort in the love that I have observed.  Even though I have baggy, dark eyes, these eyes have seen the greatest gift of all...L.O.V.E.

We will miss you POPS!

A girl named Jill

Once a upon a time there was a beautiful baby born.  It was May 4, 1962.  Her parents named her Jill.  That name had some meaning as it was the name of a aunt who had passed away as a newborn.  She was the oldest.  As she grew, she would have a few challenges.  She had to have leg braces to help straighten how she walked.  She was very loved.

Her father always had confidence in her and trusted her.  He would always want Jill to drive instead of Jill's mother.  She was always a leader and people would follow her, in good and in bad.  If she wanted to skip school, people would follow.  If she wanted to serve someone, people would follow.

She was born when her Aunt Linda was 14.  She thought she was the cutest baby ever seen.  Linda and Jill became very close over the years.  When Jill was 8, she stayed with Linda all the time.  She was so grown up.  She would help clean and always wanted to go where Linda was going, even to a boy-girl mutual activity.  When Jill would grow to be 16,  Linda let her drive her little green car downtown and back.  She got off the freeway by Linda's house and Linda thought they were going to "crash and burn."  However, they are still both alive today.  Some thoughts from Linda on Jill:  "She always thought she was a free spirit.  Jill always has her own agenda.  She is creative, talented, pretty, and has always worked hard.  She is fun to be around and when I am with her I don't know which one of us is the oldest.  She never gives up and she lights up a room with her presence." 
Eventually along would come her sister, Cindee.  Cindee and her would be come great friends.  They would go on several "ghostly" adventures together and make friends with the ghosts.  They also liked late night talks.  One night, they stayed up till two in the morning and and she was playing with the wick of Cindee's candle.  She went to go to the bathroom only to realize she had covered her face, the bedsheets and everything she had touched in black from the wick.  When they were older, Cindee had a child named Liz.  Jill would be Liz's only aunt.  One particular evening, Liz and Jill decided they were going to re-do Liz's room. So they went Lowe's and bought the stuff and when Cindee woke up in the morning, the room had been completely redone.  They had stayed up till 4 in the morning to get it done.  Those were some of Cindee's most treasured memories of her.

After Cindee, came her brother Daren, who he would grow up to play with Words with Friends with her.  This became a very competitive game on a daily basis.

John then came along as another brother.  John loved it when Jill would come get him on the weekends when he was a teenager and they would go bowling at the 49th street Galleria and hang out at her house.  She would always try to set him up with girls from Church.  Jill was a big part of him growing up.  He misses the relationship that they had growing up and before she moved away.  He is thankful for what she did for him and he misses her a lot.

After John, the baby of the family was born.  His name was Tim.  When he was born, Jill's mother could not take the crying any more and often left him to cry so she could get some sleep.  Jill would always say "You can't let this child cry!"  And her mother would wake up to find baby Tim wrapped in Jill's arms, both asleep.  

Later, Jill would grow up and have six children of her own.

Her oldest daughter, Tina was her "favorite" child.  Tina always loved the many road trips she had with her mother and absoluely loves every time they are together.  Today, Tina's siblings often say to her, "You are just like Mom."  She takes that as a compliment as her mother is a youthful person who loves to serve her fellow man.  That is a great lesson that Jill taught her children.

Christopher was her eldest son.  He loves her unconditional love and patience.  She always supported him even when the decisions he made where not the best.  He is grateful for the sacrifices she has made for him.  He really enjoyed the days he spent with her on the way to Utah to drop him off at the MTC.

Jacob was the third child.  He loves a certain mannerism about her.  When she is showing how to do something, she always gets really excited  and explains exactly what to do and why...for example, when giving directions on how to make cookies, she tells you the exact brand to use and of course we all know it is "Ghirardelli chocolate."

The fourth child she named Kaylee.  Kaylee loves her room and so the best memories of her mother Jill, were spent in her room.  One day, Jill came into Kaylee's room and laid on her bed.  She looked at Kaylee and said "I'm sad, I can't do anything perfect." So Kaylee did what she does best and played music therapist. Kaylee responded with "OH I HAVE A SONG THAT WILL HELP YOU."  She then proceeded to turn on "Nobody's Perfect" by Hannah Montana.  When the song ended, she got up and nodded and goes "Thanks that really helped."  Another time, Kaylee took her turn being sad and Jill came into Kaylee's room and sat in her chair and asked what was wrong...10 seconds later, Jill spotted tweezers on Kaylee's floor and she gets up, lays on the floor and plucks out her chin hair...They never discussed why Kaylee was sad.  Kaylee recalls another account of Jill.  Jill was mad because Jill's husband, Larry wouldn't let her do anything with the house, so she came into Kaylee's room again and laid on her bed.  Kaylee turned to face her and asked her what was wrong, She then whispered "wanna help me burn down the house?"

Salena was her fifth child.  (I know, a lot of children, right? but she loves them all even if Tina is her favorite.)  Salena loved spending time with her mom.  She loved all the the fun times they have had together, especially shopping.  Salena loves that her mom has such a young spirit and she is able to relate to her all the time.  She is able to talk to her all the time about anything and she won't get...too mad.

Jill's baby was Levi.  And what an adorable child he was.  One day, Levi wrote a letter to his mom and this is what it said, "You are the best mom i'm happy your my mom.I'm grateful for all the things you get me.You are also pretty funny,and i like that.I'm happy your my mother! I love you very much thank you for giving me life. You mean the world to me mom there is not a better mother in the world you are number 1."  It was very cute.  By the end of it, she was crying.  (Cue the tears, Mom.)

Jill married the love of her life on February 19th, 1993.  One year, on her birthday, he wrote this message to her. "What can I say about this wonderful lady?  She is one of the most caring people I know. Jill is the love of my life.  She has been a great friend and a wonderful wife. It has been the best 20 years of my life and it will continue on for 20 more.  Jill has the most wonderful spirit and I absolutely love that about her.  She is the most beautiful lady that I know, in side and out. Jill always thinks of others before herself.  She has a heart of gold  I am so glad that she is a part of my life but most of all my best friend and wife. Jill, I love you more everyday and always will. I just can’t wait to grow old and gray with you. I am so glad that you are the mother of my children and a great mother. Jill, I just want to say again that I love you with all my heart and this will never change XOXOXOXOX  THANK YOU! FROM YOUR HUSBAND AND FRIEND."  Ahhhh, how cute is that!

This story came about in celebration of the day Jill was born.  Her family loves her so very much.  We are so blessed to have her in our lives!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!