Quitting vs Quitter

When I was 18 years old, I was working as a Scan Manager for Grocery Warehouse (Albertsons.)  It was summer time, in between school seasons.  I decided to pick up a second job as a hostess at a local Mexican restaurant.  I did it so I could pay my car off earlier.  Quickly after being hired as a hostess, the owner wanted to promote me to cocktail waitress.  I would be able to make more money doing this because of tips. Never having a drink in my life or knowing anything about alcohol, I had to quickly memorize the drinks and take a test on them. I passed the test and began my job as a waitress.  

My first day was a nightmare.  I spilled a red margarita on a lady's white pant suit.  I forgot appetizers and the other waitresses were not happy to compete for tips. At the end of my shift, I was exhausted.  I didn't want to give up even though I hated being associated with something I didn't believe in.  I continued for a month.  During that month, I learned a lot.  I learned the married owner was sleeping with the manager.  I learned that one of the waitresses was sleeping with the married bartender.  I learned that if you got too close to drunk men, they would pinch your butt, ask for your number and stalk you in the parking lot. (That was in the days when I had a butt.  Anyone who knows me now, knows I have "worked my butt off" literally and is no longer there.)  I learned that waitresses would place wrong orders on purpose so they could pour the "wrong drink" into their soda drinks and drink on the job.  I learned that drunk people can't tell one zero from two.  

Finally after being harassed from all the waitresses about not drinking and joining in with them, (ya, forget the fact I was underage) I talked with the owner and gave my two weeks.  I told him about all their shenanigans and told him I was quitting.  I didn't not want to be part of it.  He told me he wanted me to stay and he would talk to them.  I told him I would still be quitting.  My first shift after I "talked" to him was even more of a nightmare.  The girls harassed me all night for "tattling" on them.  It was a rough night.

After I went home, I decided I wasn't going back.  I didn't show for my next shift.  The manager called for me and I said I wasn't home (I pretended to be my mom.)  I had to quit.  I was done.

I have never really liked the word "quitter."  I think "quitting" something and being a "quitter" are two completely different things.  

Does one "quit" a job because they are a "quitter" or because they need to make more money, it is damaging to their emotional well-being or they need to be at home with their children?

Is one a "quitter" on their marriage because they just simply give up or because they want to "quit" fighting and being unhappy?

Is one a "quitter" of a sport they love because it is just simply too hard or because they want to "quit" hurting their knees and going home every night in pain?

Does one "quit" trying because they are a "quitter" or because they don't have the support they need to keep going?

Does one "quit" because they know that something is better for them if they do?  

Is one a "quitter" when they give up, when they stop living because they don't know how to live anymore?

Do we not become "quitters" because we have something to prove?

Do we "quit" because what we are doing is unhealthy mentally, physically or spiritually?

I have seen a lot of people "quit" in my life...but few are "quitters."  

I was called a "quitter" by a few when I didn't show up for my next shift that day.  Something I didn't think was in me to do.  But I "quit" trying to be something I wasn't.  I "quit" being around things that made me uncomfortable.

There are tons of quotes about "not quitting" and "don't ever quit; it's giving up." Blah, blah blah!!!  No!  Being a "quitter" is giving up.  Quitting is, well just, living.

So Emilee, it is okay to "quit" making messes and making mad faces at me, really I promise it is.  Hannah, it is okay to "quit" whining and leaving your socks everywhere, I promise it won't hurt you.  And Honey, I love you for not ever being a "quitter" on me.

Osayi Osar-Emokpae said it better than I could ever say it:
“Quitting is not giving up, it's choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it's realizing that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it's learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things (or people) that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.” 

Acceptance vs Acknowledgement

I will never forget that day.  

Hannah was 4 months old.  At the time, I was the front-end manager for Albertsons.     

It was a Tuesday, the day I was suppose to go in and write the schedule.  I remember sitting on the couch in the living room and Hannah laying there, screaming.  I sat there, staring at this baby who would not stop screaming.  I just stared at her.  I let her scream.  I started crying.  I cried and cried and cried.  I couldn't really be a mom, could I?  I then knew and accepted the fact that I needed help. 

I called my work first and told them I would be in later that night to write the schedule.  I then made the call to my doctor.  They immediately called in a prescription for me.  I had it...postpartum depression.  Postpartum depression is very real.  I didn't know how real until I acknowledged that I had it.

A couple of days later, my boss called me into her office. Something she had never done before.  She asked me what was going on.  I guess many of my employees had complained that I was not myself and not getting the job done.  I then proceeded to tell her that I had a meltdown; that I had talked to the doctor and was starting on a prescription.  She then opened up to me.  Again something I have never experienced from her before.  She told me she recently had a breakdown at work and was put on the same medication as me.  She was suffering from depression as well.  I told her I should start to feel better within the next couple of weeks and she would see an improvement.

I then went home and cried.  I cried and cried and cried some more.  I then accepted the fact I was miserable in my job and it was time to find a new one.  Joe was working at T-Mobile at the time and they offered me a part time job.  I accepted the position after some persuasion.

I then began to feel better.  I had my head on straight and a new job.  A breath of fresh air.

Today I was with Emmy.  Emmy is a very vibrant child.  I am CONVINCED she has A.D.D.  She is so stinkin' smart but she does not focus when you are trying to talk to her.

I tried to get her to go on the potty three times today.  All three times, right after she would tell me "No,"  she peed her pants.

Then I received a call from Hannah saying she was sick and she needed me to go get her from school.  I had to clean up Emmy from her potty mess and then I started to look for my keys.

I searched high and low for them and they were no where to be found.  I asked Emmy several times where they were since she was playing with them yesterday.  She just ignored me.  I looked for a whole hour.  I FINALLY got her attention and she responds, "I know where they are mommy."  She opens the front door and takes me to the side of the house.  She had buried them in the dirt.

I laughed and cried at the same time.  I wanted to freak out and scream and act like two but I acknowledged that my Emmy is a 3-year-old.  She is still learning and I am the adult.  I got her in the car and we picked Hannah.  Hannah asked me what took so long and I told her.  We both laughed about it.  We got home and I took a deep breath.  I had calmed down. I hugged Emilee.  I told her I loved her.  

In full disclosure, being a manager is not nearly as hard as being a Mom.  I acknowledge that I am not a perfect parent by any means.  But boy am I glad I accepted the job!

Although, Emilee, let's not bury Mommy's keys any more.

100 things

During Christmas time, one of my cute, little employees bought one of my other cute, little employees a book.  It was called "The Book of Awesome."  We sat there, as a team, and read it together.  This book is awesome.  After reading bits and pieces of it, I called my mom and told her that is what I wanted for Christmas.  Lo and behold, she got it for me...plus the second edition.

This book points out the tiniest things in life that are awesome.  The sound of cutting construction paper, the last crumb in a bag of potato chips, "the first scoop out of a jar of peanut butter", "bedhead all day long"... well you get the point.  I love these books because they recognize the good things in life.

A little bit ago, my sister-in-law posted on Facebook the "12 things Happy people do differently."  Number one was "Express Gratitude."  I truly believe this.  I feel the happiest when I notice the "awesome" things in my life.

My heart is full today.  I am grateful.  I decided today I would express my gratitude and that is truly why I am feeling happy today.  Sometimes in my life, if I step back and really take a look at the small and simple things, it is easy to be happy.  

Here is my 100 things today I am grateful for:

1. I am thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and everything that encompasses. (I could write a whole other 100 things just in this category.)
2. I am thankful for my husband.  He is my BEST FRIEND and gosh dang, I love him!
3. I am thankful that my husband is so stinkin' SMART!
4. I am thankful for my artsy Hannah.
5. I am thankful for my vibrant Emmy.
6. I am thankful for my husband's job.
7. I am thankful for my job(s) I have that enables me to stay home.
8. I am grateful for my parents.  It was not easy being a child of divorce, but I am thankful for the experience.  It has helped me to grow as a person.  I have learned so much from both of my parents and the sacrifices that were made, I am grateful for.  Dad, I am thankful for the fishing trips.  Mom, I am grateful for Words with Friends.
9. I am thankful for my siblings.  I am grateful I got to be the oldest.  My personality suits the position well.
10. I am thankful for my Grandparents.  Oh boy, am I grateful for them!  I am so blessed to have such AMAZING grandparents.  Such wonderful examples...I would not be who I am today without them!
11. I am thankful for my Aunts and Uncles and my cousins....and my GREAT Aunts and Uncles.  Who would have thought my Great Aunt would become my Utah Mom???
12. I am thankful for my In-laws.  They have blessed my life in more ways than they ever will know.
13. I am thankful for ALL my wonderful friends and that our friendships continue to grow and become sweeter.
14. I am thankful for all of the teachers my girls have had.  It is true that it "takes a village to raise a child."
15. I am thankful for temple and the sacred blessings that come from that.
16. I am thankful for my country and those who sacrifice their lives to serve it.
17. I am thankful for Max.
18. I am thankful for the park across the street....and sidewalk chalk.
19. I am thankful for mountains.
20. I am thankful for clothes and that my family has them to wear.
21. I am thankful for tulips and gerbera daisies.
22. I am thankful for fruits and vegetables.
23. I am thankful for Facebook.
24. I am thankful for technology...especially my phone.
25. I am thankful for my house in "BFE."
26. I am thankful for my car(s).
27. I am thankful for sour cream.
28. I am especially thankful for Cadbury Mini Eggs.  I am only blessed with them once a year so I savor the moment.
29. I am thankful for my couches and kitchen table.  I have been coveting getting new ones but I am grateful for the ones I do have.
30. I am thankful for Lucky Charms.
31. I am thankful for the "Potty Time" App on my phone.
32. I am thankful for toilet paper.
33. I am thankful for lotion and chapstick.
34. I am thankful for my sewing machine.
35. I am thankful for Texas Roadhouse and Applebees.
36. I am thankful for Finding Nemo.
37. I am thankful for Emmy and Hannah dollars.
38. I am thankful for my education and being on the high school newspaper.
39. I am thankful for scissors.
40. I am thankful for medicine and Boogie Wipes.
41. I am thankful for coupons.
42. I am thankful for cameras and that my Grandma takes pictures.
43. I am thankful for the sun and nice weather.
44. I am thankful for deodorant.
45. I am thankful ice water.
46. I am thankful I have lost 13 lbs.
47. I am thankful for my church leaders growing up.
48. I am thankful for laughter.
49. I am thankful for the Barbie and Tinkerbell Movies.
50. I am thankful for insurance.
51. I am thankful that I can't sing but other people can.
52. I am thankful for mail, especially from Grandmas.
53. I am thankful for blankets.
54. I am thankful for heat, air conditioning, water, electricity, etc. (even if it is $500, I am still grateful.)
55. I thankful for everyday learning.
56. I am thankful for learning to serve others.
57. I am thankful for my gazillion pillows.
58. I am thankful for Holidays.
59. I am thankful for my washer and dryer and dishwasher and stove and fridge.
60. I am thankful for Princess Candy Land.
61. I am thankful for Sunday dinners, who's ever house they are at
62. I am thankful for 717.
63. I am thankful for Maverick...it played an important role in my life not too long ago.
64. I am thankful for my ward.
65. I am thankful for painted toenails.
66. I am thankful for Boxtops.
67. I am thankful for Jamesport and Amish Bread.
68. I am thankful for "Screw the Green, Go for the Gold!"
69. I am thankful for heroes.
70. I am thankful for volunteers.
71. I am thankful for imaginary friends.
72. I am thankful for paper plates.
73. I am thankful for my ceiling fan.  
74. I am thankful for "9 virgins."
75. I am thankful for my trials- as hard as it is at the time, I always end up learning from them.
76. I am thankful for toothpaste.
77. I am thankful for vacations.
78. I am thankful for animals.
79. I am thankful for Canasta and Scrabble.
80. I am thankful for BBQ ribs and mashed potatoes/potato salad.
81. I am thankful for cookies.
82. I am thankful for my teachers.
83. I am thankful for Legos.
84. I am thankful for learning.
85. I am thankful for books.
86. I am thankful for glasses.
87. I am thankful for Utah Park.
88. I am thankful for the State Fair.
89. I am thankful for my dresser and bunkbeds.
90. I am thankful for bees.
91. I am thankful for creativity.
92. I am thankful for Newegg.com and Amazon and Google.
93. I am thankful for the artwork on my fridge and on my dresser and on my desk and in my nightstand.
94. I am thankful for socks...even if they are all over the floor.
95. I am thankful for Mulan.
96. I am thankful for the candy bowl.
97. I am thankful for stickers.
98. I am thankful for naps.
99. I am thankful for lessons learned.
100. I am thankful for YOU!

I know this is very cheesy, but that's my "style" as my husband would say.  I guess I am grateful for who I am and who I have become.

The "F' word vs the "F" word

One thing hasn't changed since I quit work...and that is the fact that I still have Fibromyalgia.  It is best described as chronic, widespread pain throughout the body due to overactive nerves.  Most days I can get through the day.  I take medication to help but sometimes it just isn't enough.

It isn't something I talked about much when I was working.  I would talk about it when I deemed necessary. If I was having a really bad day where it took everything out of me to work, then I would tell my assistant or sales lead that it was a bad "fibro" day.  I went quite some time without even telling my boss.  I never wanted it to affect my work nor did I want it to hinder any type of decision made about my job performance or moving up in the company.

The last four days have been rough ones.  I have had enough strength to get through the things I absolutely HAD to do and then I would crash.  I always say a little prayer to help have enough strength and then I do...but never more then what I pray for.  I guess this is my trial in life.  It's something I will have to deal with the rest of my life unless they come out with better "drugs."

They even say losing weight would help.  I have tried hard to lose weight since I quit work.  I have lost 12 pounds so far.  It's a catch 22 though.  Losing weight is suppose to help but you have to have the energy and "unsoreness" (a Tinaism) to exercise to lose the weight.  Today I had the energy to walk for a half hour around the park and that, I was grateful for.

Tonight I realized something though.  (As a side note, again, I have to give credit to my husband for sticking by my side.  He understands I have "bad" days and lets me be.  He takes care of the girls and lets me rest.)  When I was working, I would go to work, come home, many times not have ANY energy to do ANYTHING and go straight to bed.

Tonight, when I went to lay down after dinner, I thought about the past four days.  Friday, I went and volunteered at Hannah's school and took home a big project to do for her teacher.  That night, I had 3 giggly, seven year-olds at my house where we took them for ice cream. Then...I crashed.  Saturday, I woke up, helped clean my church building, worked on the project for Hannah's teacher, delivered Girl Scout cookies and then I crashed...  Sunday, daylight saving time did not help things.  Yet, I was able to get up and go teach my cute, little Primary class.  Once again, I came home and crashed.  Today, I was able to go to Hannah's "Student of the Month" Assembly and watch her get her award.  I then went out to lunch with my very special Great Aunt and Uncle...Aunt Linda and Uncle Boyd.  I then took Emmy to the park and spent an hour and a half walking and doing sidewalk chalk with her.  I then crashed...

ALL of these things I did not get to do before because I was in survival mode.  Work, rest, work, sleep.  At least now when I "crash,"  I spent time doing the most important things in my life.  I don't want Emilee and Hannah to remember their mom as someone who was always too "tired" for them.

I may always have the "F" word but at the least now I am spending more time living.

Mountains vs Moments

I love the mountains of Utah.  When I first moved here from Colorado, I was in awe at how beautiful they were.  When Joe and I first started dating, he would make fun of me for how many times during our dates I would say, "Oh how I just love the mountains."  It was interesting but most of the stores I worked at, there was a view of the mountains, starting at Albertsons.

The store at Albertsons was so close to the mountains.  I remember walking out of the store at the end of my shift and being taken back by their beauty.  You couldn't see them unless you walked out of the store.  Walking in, your back was to them and the store didn't have many windows.  Sometimes the light would shine just right on them so they looked as though they were a huge painting in the sky.

My store in Orem was even closer.  I have tons and tons of pictures in my gallery that I would take as I walked into work in the morning and the sunrise, again, made them almost imaginary.  The store faced sideways to them so I could look walking in or out of the store.

My last store I worked at, it faced the mountains and had tons of windows.  Throughout the day, I could marvel at their beauty.  I was at that store for a whole year so I watched the mountains go through their seasons.  I started in the winter where they were covered in snow.  Then they moved through spring where there were still spots of snow but green started to peak through.  Summer came and the whole mountains were lush with green and the sun would make them sparkle majestically.  Fall hit and the colors on them looked like a huge canvas of painted wonder.  Then winter hit again...

This morning, I woke up to Hannah asking what time it was.  I told her and laid my head back on the pillow.  Then I again woke to the sound of Joe rustling through the drawers in the bathroom.  He was looking for razors.  Hannah came and gave me a hug and kiss goodbye.  When Joe left, he yelled up the stairs he loved me and to have a good day.  A few minutes later, I got out of bed and did the "potty pep talk" with Emmy that we have been doing every morning the last couple of days.  I had some funny conversations with her and got her breakfast.  I then began to cry.

I was flooded with emotion.  I love my family so much and as I reflect on the last seven years of my life, I thought about all the moments I missed.  I thought about how tired and stressed I had been the last couple of years.  I would come home, fix dinner and go to bed.  Then hit the repeat button.  On my days off, I would hurry and cram grocery shopping and laundry in.  Some days, I was even too tired to do that.  I never stopped to look at the "mountains" in my life.  The beauty.  The joy.  Why did I do this to myself?  Why did I let myself be taken over with stress and tiredness?  I did it to support my family.  But while I was busy supporting my family, was I really supporting them?

I think of all the times I was on my phone during dinner and missed Hannah's conversation about her day.  I think about all the presentations and parties I missed at Hannah's school.  I even missed Hannah learning to ride her bike.  Her babysitter taught her.  I missed Emmy learning to walk and talk and grow.  All the sudden she is 3!  I missed dates with my husband and ignored him so many times.  The fact that he is still married to me tells you what kind of man he is.  I missed family events and often conversations I could had with loved ones.

This morning, I stopped and looked at the beauty of the "mountains" again.  I gave Emmy a hug as she colored in her Dora coloring book.  "Mom, I am going to color you a wonderful picture," she says and in the same breath, "I am going to be a fairy today."

Often mountains are referred to trials and climbing over them.  In my case, mountains are the beauty that surrounds me.  As I would often stand and look at the mountains at work, I now stand and treasure the moments placed before me.

We all have to work, in different ways.  Sometimes we get really busy and stressed.  Sometimes it takes over.  But just stop for a moment, for just a second, and look at the beauty of the "mountains."

Change vs Care Bears and TinkerBell

Facilitating Change...It was one of the competencies as a manager for T-mobile.  It was the ability to help your team overcome a change in a process or in the company.  It was probably my favorite. Not because I love change, but because I love figuring out how to get through it.

Every company I have always worked for had changes.  You never knew when opening your email box what announcement there was going to be.  It could be a change I agreed with or one that I was not very fond of.  No matter what it was, I usually had to find a way to win my team over with the idea.

The hardest one was changes to the commission structure.  I would have a meeting with the team and butter them up with food and with the most exciting voice possible, "Guess what...we get to go through another change..."  The key word there was "we."

It was never about pawning the change off onto them and then walking away from the situation.  One of my most favorite bosses taught me an important concept:  "Yes, things are changing.  I might not agree with it (or maybe I do), but regardless, it is happening whether we like it or not.  But GUESS WHAT!? We get to go through it together!"  I loved this concept.  I truly believed it was the only way to keep morale up with any change, that maybe, some thought was for the worse.  Yet, we would get through it...together.

Care Bears and Tinkerbell are the shows of choice for Emilee lately.  She will watch them over and over and over again!  Ironically, both shows involve a story about change.

In Care Bears, there is a young, blonde boy named Nicholas.  He finds a magic spell book and uses it to cast evil spells on people he doesn't like and becomes evil himself.  The Care Bears get involved and "yada, yada, yada"....He changes into a good boy.  Once again, the Care Bears save the day.

Tinkerbell is helping the animals cross into "winter." While doing so, her wings change into some sparkly colors and she wonders what the heck this is all about.  So she crosses over into winter (which is against the rules of the "warm" fairies)  to talk to "The Keeper." She wants to find out why her wings changed different colors.  While she is there, she discovers she has a sister.  "Yada, Yada, Yada"...Tinkerbell's life changes forever because she has a new found sister and they end up changing the rules so there is no rule against crossing into winter.

Change is inevitable.  It is going to happen in our lives regardless if we like the change or not.  Sometimes, we ourselves, create the change.  Most of the time, we create the change because something needed to be changed. Sometimes it is a change forced upon us.  Sometimes it is our job situation, our weight, our spirituality...the list can go on and on. Sometimes we want to change the world.  Other times, the world wants to change us. Sometimes we have support; other times we don't.  That is just life.  Yet, if we reach inside ourselves, we can find the strength to endure changes.  Sometimes the only way to find happiness inside ourselves is to change.  Sometimes it's not easy but that is why we are here, right?  The fun part is figuring it out!

"If we don't change, we don't grow.  If we don't grow, we aren't really living."- Gail Sheehy

I just wish Emilee would change her choice of shows every once in while...add a little spice to my day.